A bottle-feeding mother's view on the breast-feeding battle

Alright people I just really need to vent about something for a minute.  In the past several years much research has come out that proves that breastfeeding is "better" than bottle feeding.  I do not disagree with this, nutritional wise for the child, breast feeding is best, but lets not forget here people that the baby isn't the one responsible for producing the breast milk.  This post is for all those mothers out there who desperately wanted to breastfeed because "breast is best" and ended up going through a very unpleasant place in trying to be the "perfect mom" who exclusively breast feeds. 

I know that for almost all woman, after their child is born one of the first things that the doctors have them do is put their child to their breast to begin to nurse.  For many new mothers, this works very well.  The child hungrily latches on and sucks and sucks until he or she begins getting the colostrum from the mother.  This colostrum eventually turns into very healthy breast milk, and the baby gets all of it's needed nutrition and much of its comfort from breast feeding.  Sure the mother is going to experience some pain as her body gets use to breast feeding, but is definitely worth it to have your little one so close to you and receiving their much nutrition from your body.  For those moms out there nodding their heads yes, that is how it goes, well congratulations to you.  Seriously, I'm happy that you were blessed with a child that latched on quickly and with breasts that produced thoroughly, but did you know that it doesn't always happen that way?  Did you know that there are such things as inverted nipples that make it very difficult for an infant to latch onto?  Did you know that there are conditions such as low milk supply?  Depression and anxiety that greatly affect the amount and quality of the breast milk produced?  And many other things that can greatly affect breastfeeding?  Well let me tell you a little story about myself.

When I was in college I got a bachelors degree psychology.  I spent many classes learning about how the female body produces milk and how breast feeding is much better for the mother and baby than bottle feeding.  As I went through these classes and learned these things I vowed to be a "good mom" and to do whatever it would take to breast feed my children, because I wanted the best for them.

During my pregnancy I prepared for breastfeeding.  I bought a breast pump, breast feeding pillows, nipple cream, the works.  I just knew that it was going to work because I was "taught" that it only doesn't work if the mother is lazy and doesn't have the pain tolerance to deal with adjusting to have a little human suck their needed nutrition out of their body. 

The day finally came for delivery.  I went in so excited, but after eleven hours of labor, the doctors learned that my son's head was too big to fit through my birth canal, and an emergency c-section was scheduled.  I'll never forget the joy of hearing my son's first cry as the doctor delivered him, and I watched in pain as my husband got to spend the first forty-five minutes of my son's life without me as my body was being sewn back up.  Finally I was allowed in the delivery room where I instantly drew my son to my breast, so ready to begin being a "good mother" and breast feeding my son.  I put him up to my breast, and he didn't take it.  I tried everything the nurse could recommend, but no matter what we did my son would not latch on.  Due to his size and being so big he had to eat within the hour in order to get certain blood tests done, so I had to give up my first breast feeding attempt and feed him some formula for the blood tests.  I would not be deterred, though, and I knew that it would be the only bottle of formula he would ever need.

As the night went on they brought my son in to feed every three or four hours.  (he was born a big boy, 9 pounds, 6 ounces and therefore didn't eat as often as a regular newborn.  Lucky me, I know!)  They brought him in, but after trying and trying, he again wouldn't latch on.  The nurse showed me how to use the hospital breast pump, and I tried to get milk that way, to no avail.  I was assured this was normal.  I also knew that it took time to for the milk to come in, especially with a c-section, so I patiently waited for my body to start responding.

After three days recovering in the hospital, my breasts were still milkless.  The hospital sent me home with a $900 breast pump on loan for a dollar a day until my body was producing enough milk.  As I was preparing to leave the hospital nurse after nurse came in, reminding me the importance of breast feeding and sticking with it till it worked, and after all of that, I began to cry.  It had been three days and I hadn't even gotten colostrum.  My son refused to latch, and the few times he did, he wouldn't suck.  I was discouraged and mad at myself.  What had I done wrong?  How was I failing at being a "good mom?"  I left the hospital feeling guilty that I couldn't provide food for my son, and determined to do so.

After arriving home the pumping began.  Every two hours I would pump my breasts for thirty minutes, trying to encourage milk supply.  I would get some piddly amounts, and it was barely enough to feed my son.  During the nights I was getting up every two hours to keep my milk supply going, afraid that if I slept longer I would lose what little supply I had.  When I tried to breastfeed my son he still wouldn't latch on, and even if he did, which was rare, he would only suck two or three times and then fall into such a deep sleep that he couldn't be wakened.  We were putting my breast milk into bottles to feed him, and I continued to have to pump every two hours.  Slowly my body began to become so tired that I couldn't function.  I wasn't thinking properly, and then I was hit over the head with two tons of cement, called depression and anxiety.

Along with pumping every two hours, I was having an anxiety attack every three or four.  My thoughts began to scare me, and my body was so drained that I wondered if I should just end everything.  I couldn't let my son down though, I had to breast feed him.  As he grew the first week, though, he began drinking more than I could produce, and the guilt of not being able to feed my own son continually grew on me.  My nipples started bleeding from being pumped so much, and my mental state was continually worsening to the point where I could barely stand to be in the same room as my son.  I was scared to be alone with him, and felt like a failure because I couldn't breast feed him.  During this time I saw lactation specialists.  I talked to nurses and breast feeding hotlines.  Everything they reccomended didn't work for me.  Finally I ended up in OB's office.  That was the best day of my life.

As we talked about my failure at breast feeding I completely lost it and once again burst into tears.  I told him how I was a failure and how I could barely keep my son fed.  He listened to me quietly, and after I calmed down said, "I have a question for you.  What do you think is more important?  A breast fed baby with an unstable mother who is having several anxiety attacks a day or a formula fed baby with a stable mother who can cuddle and play with him"  I looked at him, and said the latter.  he said "you are right.  No more breast feeding.  Go buy some formula, and dry up your breasts.  You have to be well in order for you son to be well."  Those few minutes with the doctor changed my life.  I left the doctors office and bought some formula.  When I got home it was time to eat, so we mixed up a bottle and and fed it to my son.  He actually drank it without complaining.  That night I was able to sleep for more than two hours, and things slowly started turning around for me.

It was after the doctors appointment that I realized that breast feeding your child doesn't make you a good mother.  Neither does bottle feeding.  What makes a good mom is a woman who knows what works best for her and for her family. For many women that is to breast feed.  The child latches on, the mothers body produces fully, and that's great.  For other woman though, it is not worth the battle.  I was on the brink of ending everything I had going for me, all because of the pressure I felt to breast feed, because only "good moms" breast feed.  Well I want to tell everyone that that's not true, because I am a good mom, and I bottle feed my son.  I can still have quiet alone time with him without him being at my breast.  I can still bond with him and share special moments.  You don't need to breast feed to be able to have that connection with your baby.

So if you are a new mother, and feel like a failure because breast feeding just isn't working for you, don't.  It's ok.  How your child receives their nutrition doesn't matter, as long as they receive it, and they are loved.

Vent over.  If you found it a little harsh, sorry, but I want to get this out there for all those moms who don't breast feed.  Please know, that you are still a good mom.

Lacey Miller